I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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