yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
