Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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