I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
