i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
