bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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