sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
