I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I am naked and annoyed.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
