he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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