My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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