ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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