i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
