The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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