My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize