I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
