Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
