U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
