If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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