i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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