These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
