Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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