tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
