I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
