he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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