Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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