Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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