I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
