Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
