Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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