When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
