I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I cannot find my penis.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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