I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
