i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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