i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize