I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
