I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
