if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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