I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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