the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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