Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
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