He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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