I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
