Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
it's great music for shaving your balls
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize