3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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