the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
