what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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