i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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