We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
