I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
