is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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