We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
