I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Who put my cat in the fridge?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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