It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
