just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
