just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
