I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
