Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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