the new term for farting is butt boxing.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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